Emotional & Behavioral Self-Regulation

When emotion is intense, children need someone to help them settle before they can find a way to move forward. Emotional self-regulation does not mean never crying or getting angry. It means gradually learning, with support, to care for feelings and adjust words and actions. This pathway also includes everyday expectations and care for materials—abilities that grow through understanding, modeling, and practice, not demands for obedience alone.

0–9 months: Regulation begins within a caregiving relationship. Parents notice and respond to physical and emotional needs, helping babies regain calm rather than expecting them to self-soothe independently.
9–18 months: Accept guidance and begin to soothe. Help from a familiar adult remains central, while children begin to experience which forms of support help them feel better.
18 months–3 years: Move from receiving help to joining in choices. Parents continue to support emotional transitions and, when the child can take it in, model useful strategies and behavioral boundaries.
3–5 years: Take on more regulation. Children need fewer reminders for familiar rules and management of words and actions, while still being able to seek help with intense emotion or difficulty.

Below are selected skills to notice at specific ages. Age is a developmental reference point; understand each skill alongside what you see in everyday life.

15 months

Looks to familiar adults for assistance and guidance with actions/behaviors.

What to notice: When your child does not know what to do or cannot get what they want, do they look toward you, come closer, or accept help with what to do next? Notice whether they use an adult as support, not only whether they ultimately comply.

How to support it: Children understand boundaries within reliable relationships and gradually learn what they can do next. First acknowledge the feeling and need, then offer a brief, concrete explanation and workable choices. Keep promises.

Keep in mind: When emotion is intense, help the child settle before giving explanations, and do not create unnecessary refusals just to train waiting.

18 months

Tries to calm self by sucking on fingers or thumb when overly excited or distressed.

What to notice: When excited or upset, does your child try an action that helps them slow down? Sucking is only one possible example in the original Skill, not a required soothing method to teach.

How to support it: Self-soothing grows as children discover which sensations and actions help, with adult co-regulation as an important foundation. Notice safe strategies your child already uses, stay nearby, and offer familiar support. Once they are calmer, help connect the strategy with its effect.

Keep in mind: Do not force children to calm alone or assume quietness means the feeling was understood.

3½ years (42 months)

Follows simple rules with assistance from adults, such as sitting at the table when asked by an adult.

What to notice: With adult help, can your child participate in a simple, clear expectation? Notice supported adjustment, not unquestioning acceptance of every adult request.

How to support it: Rules are easier to understand and use when their purpose is clear and the environment is predictable. Explain what is expected and why, show what to do next, and provide reminders and emotional support.

Keep in mind: Use expectations for safety and shared life rather than judging whether a child is good or creating needless restrictions as regulation practice.

Manages own words with frequent support from adults, such as reminders to use friendly words.

What to notice: With frequent support, can your child adjust how they speak so their need is easier to understand? Notice whether meaning can still be expressed, not whether displeasure is suppressed or a polite phrase is memorized.

How to support it: Emotion and need both shape language, so alternative phrasing has to be learned in real interaction. First understand what your child means, then model a clear and respectful way to say it and help them use it.

Keep in mind: Avoid demanding a standard script at the height of emotion or treating surface politeness as proof that the feeling has been addressed.

4 years (48 months)

Handles classroom materials, such as putting them where they belong, with adult support.

What to notice: With help, can your child use and put away everyday materials appropriately? Notice whether they understand how to care for materials, not only whether the space looks tidy after adult directions.

How to support it: Caring for materials is part of participating in a shared environment and develops through demonstration and practice. Make use and storage visible, explain how this protects the material and prepares it for next time, then hand over increasing responsibility.

Keep in mind: If throwing is driven by emotion, protect safety and support regulation first.

Manages own actions and behavior with frequent support from adults (such as reminders to use gentle touches) in response to a challenging situation, such as wanting to use the same materials as another child, or frustration over not being able to climb to the top of a structure.

What to notice: When frustrated or in conflict over materials, can your child adjust their actions with substantial help? Notice what happens after emotional support, not whether they avoid becoming upset.

How to support it: Challenges can temporarily make familiar strategies unavailable. Adult co-regulation helps children regain access to action. Receive the emotion, protect safety, and once the child can listen, model a way to express the need or another workable response.

Keep in mind: Do not reward only outward control or manufacture hardship to train endurance.

Manages own actions and behavior with frequent support from adults (such as reminders to use gentle touches) according to expectations (routine, social settings, etc.), such as using quiet feet when asked, sitting in chair during meals, or waiting for turn to wash hands or play swings. (i.e., changes behavior based on where the child is, such as library, playground, etc.)

What to notice: Across familiar settings, can your child make an appropriate adjustment with frequent reminders? Notice understanding and participation in a setting's needs, not being equally quiet everywhere.

How to support it: Immediate wishes and situational expectations can conflict. Preview what is and is not possible, demonstrate an alternative action, and account for fatigue or emotional load.

Keep in mind: Take a break or change the plan when needed instead of relying on repeated reprimands or treating a reasonable need for movement as misbehavior.

4½ years (54 months)

Usually follows classroom rules with occasional reminders from adults, such as waiting for other kids to finish talking.

What to notice: The original example is a classroom. Does your child participate in a shared rule with occasional reminders? A family conversation can offer similar practice, but does not prove the same skill in an unfamiliar group.

How to support it: Children gradually remember shared rules and use them in interaction with fewer prompts. Explain how taking turns lets everyone be heard, provide real opportunities to practice, and remind gently when needed.

Keep in mind: Support the desire to communicate rather than suppressing it, and do not frame every group rule as obedience without explanation.

Usually follows classroom routines with occasional reminders from adults, such as following an end-of-lunch routine that includes putting away their plate, washing hands, and lining up at the door to go outside.

What to notice: Can your child continue a familiar multi-step routine with occasional reminders? The original Skill comes from a classroom; similar participation at home is informative but not identical to classroom performance.

How to support it: Familiar routines reduce the need to wait for constant direction and allow more independent participation. Explain both steps and purpose, provide visible cues, then remind only what was missed.

Keep in mind: Restore more support when emotion or context changes rather than expecting independence in every state because the child usually knows the routine.

Usually handles classroom materials, such as using them in appropriate ways during activities.

What to notice: When using materials, does your child consider their purpose and how to protect them? The original refers to classroom materials, but the central idea—using things with care—also appears at home.

How to support it: Appropriate material use depends on understanding effects, boundaries, and shared needs. Demonstrate how to use an item, explain which variations are safe to explore and which can hurt someone or cause damage, and support the child as needed.

Keep in mind: Not every unconventional use is inappropriate, and one incident should not become a character label.

5 years (60 months)

Cleans up and puts materials away appropriately, such as placing blocks back on correct shelf or placing markers in the correct bin.

What to notice: After use, can your child clean up and return materials to where they actually belong? Notice their own participation in managing the environment, not simply moving each item under continuous adult direction.

How to support it: Putting things away connects the end of an activity with making the material available next time. Keep storage clear and the task manageable, demonstrate, then reduce reminders while recognizing genuine contribution.

Keep in mind: Do not assign a child all the disorder adults created or make speed and visual perfection the main goal.

Manages own actions and behavior with occasional support from adults in response to a challenging situation, such as wanting to use the same materials as another child, or frustration over not being able to climb to the top of a structure.

What to notice: When a challenge arises, does your child need less continuous prompting than before to adjust words or actions? Occasional help is explicitly allowed; independence during intense emotion is not required.

How to support it: Familiar regulation experiences gradually become strategies children can call on themselves, but support need not disappear all at once. First notice what your child is already doing, then prompt, co-regulate, or help choose a next action as needed.

Keep in mind: Recognize the self-directed part without treating one request for help as lost progress.

Describes the effects their behavior may have on others, such as noticing that another child feels sad when you hit him.

What to notice: Can your child connect their action with another person's feelings or response? Notice understanding of impact, not merely reciting a rule such as do not hit or taking responsibility for everyone else's emotion.

How to support it: Understanding consequences supports more appropriate choices. Once everyone is safe and calmer, review what happened, describe the possible effect, and model a way to repair.

Keep in mind: Avoid shame or forced apologies that manufacture guilt, and do not make the child responsible for every negative feeling another person has.

Sources and notes

Better Parenting’s child-development framework draws in part on the Head Start Early Learning Outcomes Framework: Ages Birth to Five. For this pathway, you can also review Head Start’s Emotional & Behavioral Self-Regulation Effective Practice Guide. Official framework sources inform domain, sub-domain, goal, and developmental-progression terminology where applicable. Better Parenting independently organizes the parent-facing What to notice and How to support it explanations and connects them with its own activity library.

The ELOF itself is not a curriculum, assessment, or checklist. Better Parenting’s Skill Assessment and Growth Path are Better Parenting product features, not Head Start assessment tools.

Skill wording and age references on this page come from the Better Parenting child-development framework. A child may show different behaviors in different situations, so understand these examples alongside everyday experience rather than treating one activity as a judgment of an entire sub-domain.

This page helps you understand what you can observe and how you can offer support. To explore your child's current position in this sub-domain, open the corresponding Growth Path in the Better Parenting app and use the Skill Assessment.

Better Parenting Content Team | Updated September 2, 2026